That is the question asked in a comment from that first live on Instagram. To answer it, two of my daughters joined me in a second Live video. Ashley and Abby were in a very traumatic accident a decade ago. Both share how they didn’t face their pain initially, and why. Then we unpacked a bit of how not facing the pain affected them and their closest relationships, what they recognize now, and why they want to face their pain (and do!).

ABBY: “Sometimes what’s worse than feeling things is feeling nothing. That can feel a lot worse in the end. When you can’t feel anything you’re almost soulless in a way. Once you’re brought to a place where you can face that, ‘Hey, I do feel that – fear, pain, disappointment, shame, guilt, all of the above,’ that’s admitting to what’s been built up so long. Like opening a coke bottle (all that pressure built up) and all the fizz flows out. At first it’s almost overwhelming, and it feels almost suffocating. Once that pressure is released and all of it is out in a safe and healthy place, it’s very freeing. All of a sudden you breathe for the first time. There’s breath and there’s life and there’s freedom.”

ASHLEY: “You feel human.”

ME: “You said something beautiful there. You made a perfect analogy, having experienced both physical pain and emotional pain…until you told someone and involved others, you weren’t going to get better. I have found we tend to diminish the emotional pain more and not take it as seriously as we do physical pain. Something else you said that was very important is how it affected your relationships with others. A lot of things happen when we’re very young and don’t have the capacity to understand how it’s affecting us or how we’re living in response to that pain. Oftentimes it’s in the years gone by in older relationships we begin to see how it (unaddressed pain) is affecting (a particular) relationship.” This is another reason why we need to face it.