Have you ever felt frozen in time?
That’s exactly how I feel as we round the corner toward the end of January. I’m sitting here for the umpteenth day propped on the chaise, surrounded by an assortment of creamy colored pillows and blankets of multiple textures, all to keep me comfy while I recover. Sepsis hit again. This time fierce and relentless. Half the time I’ve been “out of it” in the bed, the other half not coherent enough to trust myself writing. Never know what a gal might say when she’s unguarded and unfiltered. Ha!
It all began when my husband took a day off in the middle of a several-week work stretch so we could take Christmas down. As I rest weeks later today, the stockings are still hung neatly to my left in front of the sliding glass doors, the 9-ft tree still stands in her glory on my right, and all the twinkling lights still turn themselves on at 5:30pm each evening declaring that Christmas has both come and gone now. So to speak. Wintry pillows of reds, greens, and blues adorn every room. Even the night lights in the bathrooms still speak of the holiday.
Instead of packing away the decorations, I wound up at the emergency room and the rest of the story is obvious; we are frozen here. Kind of like Narnia but with better decorations. Oh, and no snow—this is the Deep South.
Frozen = Frustration
Like the Narnians stuck in a never-ending winterland in C.S. Lewis’ children’s books, I became frustrated. There were plans in place not only to get the house back in order, but also to carve out significant time to seek God on several things, get my bearings straight in the new year: what word and theme He has in mind, how the website and blog need to take shape this quarter, gain clarity for book writing. I planned to seek Him on my “reset” and agendas (read here) for these and more, like how to best order and spend my time for personal reading, journaling, and further healing. Exercising was on the list, too. A practice already in place but in need of reassessing. But I’m still receiving IV antibiotics (which we are very thankful for!) another several days, then, my body will need time to rest and recover its strength.
I have an awful tendency to force things into place when it is not in my best interest. I do not rest well lately. For years, actually. A decade of living in survival mode reactivated this response. (read of the last decade here: The Orchard)
How do you respond when something out of your control disrupts your plans?
In moments when I come out of the fogginess of sepsis, God is shifting my perspective. “Haven’t you longed for more time to rest with Me? Hear my voice in the quiet? Feel my comfort surrounding you? Read leisurely and take in a show or two? For things to slow down a little while where you can enjoy extra time focusing on just being my daughter?”
Why, yes. Yes, I have.
I do not believe God caused this life-threatening sepsis to teach me a lesson. I was on steroids the past six months and another immunosuppressant the last two months to help fight severe attacks of Ulcerative Colitis. While those medicines saved me in one way, they weakened my immune system so much that I’ve been sick nearly three months with an infection that led me here. That’s why I have sepsis. However, I know God is bringing good out of a bad situation like He promises (Romans 8:28).
Or Frozen = Gift?
Out of the bad is a treasured gift of time to slow down, pause long in the closeness of God. An invitation to be kind to myself. (something else I am not the greatest at doing—more on that later) Allow a little leisure and lots of rest. Because it did not come packaged in the way or the timing I expected, I nearly missed seeing let alone accepting the gift.
So, winter can roll on with its ice and snow (it did come close to us!), freezing us in time if it wants. May it only preserve what is good and lovely and kind and merciful. What is holy and will make us whole.
Meanwhile, I do believe God has some good things coming up for the website and blog. Stay tuned!
Until then, take a moment to leave a comment. I love to hear from you as it creates a greater sense of community here. Is there a place you feel frozen in time? What gift do you see God giving you during this time?
Unwrapping the gift with you,